DBT Skill: Learn how DEAR MAN can help you improve communication and relationships.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers practical tools for improving emotional regulation, relationships, and communication. One of its most effective strategies for assertive communication is the DEAR MAN skill. DEAR MAN helps folks navigate challenging conversations while maintaining relationships and advocating for their needs. This is a great tool for people who struggle with anxiety and people pleasing.

Let’s break down DEAR MAN, explore each component, and see how it can work in real-life situations.

What is DEAR MAN?

DEAR MAN is an acronym for a step-by-step approach to communicating assertively while balancing the importance of your goals, the other person’s needs, and the relationship. It stands for:

• Describe

• Express

• Assert

• Reinforce

• Mindful

• Appear confident

• Negotiate

Breaking Down the DEAR MAN Steps

D – Describe

Start by objectively describing the situation. Stick to the facts without interpretations, judgments, or assumptions. This sets the tone for clarity and reduces defensiveness.

Example: “Last week, I noticed you scheduled a meeting during my lunch break without asking me first.”

E – Express

Share your feelings and thoughts about the situation. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.

Example: “I felt frustrated because I rely on that time to recharge for the rest of the day.”

A – Assert

Clearly state your needs or requests. Be concise and to the point.

Example: “I need you to check with me before scheduling meetings during my break.”

R – Reinforce

Explain why your request benefits the other person or the relationship. Highlight positive outcomes to encourage cooperation.

Example: “If I can keep my lunch break, I’ll be more focused and productive during our meetings.”

M – Mindful

Stay focused on your goals. Use techniques like repeating your request (broken record) if the conversation veers off track.

Example: If the other person says, “But the team needed to meet urgently,” you might respond, “I understand that, and I’m still asking that you check with me first next time.”

A – Appear Confident

Maintain a calm, confident tone and body language. Avoid apologizing unnecessarily or showing doubt in your request. I know this can be hard. I see you people pleasers!

Example: Use steady eye contact and a firm voice: “This is important to me.”

N – Negotiate

Be willing to find a compromise if needed. Suggest alternatives or ask for their input to reach a mutually beneficial solution.

Example: “If scheduling during my break is unavoidable, could we plan it in advance so I can adjust my schedule?”

Putting DEAR MAN Into Practice

Here are a couple of scenarios to see how DEAR MAN plays out in real life.

Scenario 1: Addressing a Roommate Conflict

Situation: Your roommate consistently leaves dirty dishes in the sink, and it’s bothering you.

D: “I’ve noticed the dishes in the sink have been piling up this week.”

E: “It’s been stressing me out because I prefer a clean kitchen to cook comfortably.”

A: “Could you start washing your dishes within a day or two of using them?”

R: “That way, we can both enjoy a clean and inviting space.”

M: (If they bring up their busy schedule) “I understand you’re busy, but keeping the sink clean is still important.”

A: Speak calmly and confidently without appearing confrontational.

N: “If you’re too busy to do them right away, could we agree on a set time each week to tackle them together?”

Scenario 2: Asking for a Raise at Work

Situation: You feel your workload and contributions justify a pay increase.

D: “Over the past year, I’ve taken on additional responsibilities, like leading team projects and training new hires.”

E: “I feel proud of my contributions but also believe my compensation no longer reflects my value.”

A: “I’d like to discuss a raise to better align with the work I’ve been doing.”

R: “Recognizing my contributions could boost morale and encourage continued high performance.”

M: Stay on topic even if your boss changes the subject or offers vague responses.

A: Maintain eye contact and a professional tone.

N: “If a raise isn’t possible right now, could we set a timeline to revisit this in the next few months?”

Tips for Using DEAR MAN Successfully

• Practice: Role-play with a friend or therapist to build confidence.

• Prepare: Write down your key points beforehand.

• Stay Calm: Deep breathing can help you stay composed during tough conversations.

• Be Flexible: While advocating for your needs, be open to alternative solutions.

Why DEAR MAN Works

DEAR MAN is effective because it balances assertiveness with respect. It helps you:

• Communicate clearly.

• Stay focused on your goals.

• Maintain relationships by reducing conflict.

Whether you’re navigating work challenges, personal relationships, or self-advocacy, DEAR MAN provides a solid framework for rich communication.

Final Thoughts

Assertive communication is a skill that takes practice, and DEAR MAN can help you get there. By following its steps, you can advocate for your needs while fostering understanding and collaboration. So, the next time you face a challenging conversation, try using DEAR MAN—you might be surprised at how effective it can be! Learn more here about how DBT may be what you are looking for in therapy

To practice this skill and more like it, contact me here to get started.